So...do many kids actually go off to college to "further their education"? Or is that all one big ruse? Because I personally do not plan to attend college just so I can further my education.
That is actually a very small thought in my mind at this point in time.
Now don't get me wrong, it is not like I am going to skip my classes or not do my best in them, but learning is just not my main motivation to go to college. My main motivation to go to college would have to be just moving out.
Getting away.
Leaving.
Etc.
However, if I just say to the people around me, "Hey I know you all love me and want me around here to be your son/brother/grandson/friend/(any other) but I am just going to leave." Then I will just come across as a selfish and heartless jerk.
So please allow me to attempt to explain why I want to get away.
Now if you expect me to be all Disneyesque here and think I will say something like, "I really don't want to leave, my life is so perfect but I never realized it until now. I am going to return home and live with my wonderful family forever!!!" then you have no idea who I am.
Allow me to be blunt about it.
I was raised in a broken home by broken people. However, when people are broken they refuse to admit they are broken if they hold a secular view of life as all three of my parents did. Therefore, if anything reflected their brokenness, then they would automatically see it as a threat to the "perfect world" which they had created in their heads, and would move very swiftly to fix this broken piece.
But if you are broken you can't fix anything. It just ends up being swept under the rug.
Now, the child reflects the parent, and the parents were broken and in denial. So the child unknowingly and unashamedly displayed that brokenness to the world. This led to the performing of many unnecessary actions against said child so that the parents coud sweep their failure under the rug.
Because, you know, it was all about them.
I was, and still am, that child...well one of two children in that scenario.
So with that being said, I found the Disney mentality repulsive and false from very early on in my life, and happiness was something I faked. Because if you look happy no one will know that your family is broken and everyone will think that your parents are "such great people."
Because, you know, it was all about them.
So lets just say I am tired of faking. I am tired of wishing that I could just be bold enough to not pretend that everything is great all of the time. I don't want things to be about me by any means...I want them to be about God and His kingdom, but I can't be a lighthouse if I am swept under a rug.
I want to get away, not to break people's hearts, not to pretend that things will be easier and better on my own, and not so I can be happy. I want to get away so I can stop this charade and drop this facade and finally be able to scream that everything is not alright! That the world is broken and so is everybody in it. That brokenness is a proper response to sin. And that sweeping it under the rug is the equivalent of pretending you are perfect, which is pride, which is what got satan kicked out of heaven,
No everything is not alright, and the sooner we learn that the sooner we see our depravity and the sweeter Jesus is to us.
I know I should be doing that now regardless of my situation in life, and I know that I will be persecuted wherever I go, and I am not afraid of that.
I am not afraid of my parents.
But it seems, to me, that they need to hear these yells first, and most often. And they can't sweep me under the rug if I am not there.
That is why I want to get away...because I love them.
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Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches,but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.” - Jeremiah 9:23-24
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5 comments:
I don't think anyone would blame you or argue with you on that.
BUT please read this and remember that God's way is higher than our way and His thoughts than our thoughts, and His wisdom far greater than ours such that even His transforming grace leads to dying to self to do such things as that - by His grace, for His glory, not mine nor yours. Trust Him and obey Him and His word and His way - submit yourself to Him and remember that He makes all things new - His way. Not ours.
And the thing about children honoring parents made the top Ten, dear....and it's hard to do with ungodly parents - but as I mentioned in another post halfway through the talk I gave to the ladies in Savannah,
And one thing I realized when this came back to me as I was struggling to prepare this talk, is that when I look back over the years, and especially that night, my own daughter has become an example to me of how to stand up for truth and yet at the same time honor an ungodly parent or other authority figure. We are called to submit ourselves as Christ did: wife to husband, child to parent, slave to master or employee to employer, citizen to government, congregation to pastor, all to Christ. And yet so much of the authority that we are given is completely ungodly. But here she has done most of her life, she stood her ground that night - she didn't back down when I challenged what she believed. She held fast to the truth and she cried and confronted me - but she never dishonored me. And I'm not really so good at that kind of thing. And so I wanted to point that out - in that, she has become an example for me, instead of the other way around. And one of the more humbling things that I've had to face was the fact that as I learned several months later, she and her brother had begun to pray together tearfully into the night for God to save me.
And He said 'Yes'.
But sin still has consequences. The ultimate penalty has been removed. But others still hurt, carnage still remains from my sin. Sin kills and corrupts and maims and destroys. I doubt there is a mother or a daughter here whose sin has not caused pain and anguish to someone in her family. I doubt there is anyone here who has not been hurt deeply - even destroyed or defiled - by the sin of someone else.
Take time to read the whole of the text, son. It's long, five posts, but it's a discussion of redemption that I think you would benefit greatly from, which will point you back to the perfect Father that every earthly parent will fall far short of.
Let me add this too - just came across it as I hit my bloglines feed, something that Paul David Tripp said in his book/DVD that I'm going to have your sister and fiance sit down and go through -- and it is this:
“Love is defined by an event. And the event is the most important event in human history. It’s the Cross of Jesus Christ. That event defines what love is about.
“Here’s love. Love is willing self-sacrifice, for the good of another that doesn’t demand reciprocation, or that the person being loved is deserving.”
- Paul David Tripp
Take that definition everywhere you go, in every situation with people that you live with and are commanded to love: wife, brethren, neighbor, enemy - and you'll never leave the side nor cross of Christ and its value will only grow more and more precious to you.
Love you -
Mama
I do believe that I am honoring my parents. I know I am a sinner and that my ways are not God's ways, but the point of this post was not to dishonor my parents, just to explain why I wished to leave.
In reading this again, especially as right now I am dealing with another member of your household whom I hold so dear, and who is trying to keep from reflecting this too, kiddo, I love you. And I am proud of you.
And maybe you could go hug your sister for me. I think she needs it.
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