Is the lack of emotions a sin? Or is it a sign of not having the love of Christ?
I would like to think, and hope that it is neither a sin or a sign, but rather just part of who I am. I mean, just because I am not possessed to cry when I read a deep scripture or here a convincting message that punches me in the gut does not mean that I am not move dby that scripture or message. I just don't hardly ever feel tears coming when I hear these things.
Don't get me wrong. I understand that brokenness is a very appropriate response to sin, but I do believe you can be broken and not cry. I believe this because I have been broken time and time again and have not shed a tear. I trembled at the thought of the wrath of God, and I rejoiced in the thought of His love and forgiveness.....
but I did not cry.
Does this make me stone-hearted?
I do not think so.
My heart aches for the lost, and I am saddened at the sin in this world. I am angered when God's word is misquoted, and when horrible and evil deeds of satan are done in general but especially in His holy name. I love my family and friends. I am learning to love my enemies.
But I don't cry.
I question this because it seems that crying is seen as a sign of brokenness, and brokenness is a sign of salvation. So if I never cry, does it mean I am never broken?
Once again, I do not think so because I have experienced brokenness. I continue to experience it.
So, I ask again, can you be broken without being emotional on the outside?
Is your heart still a heart of flesh? Or is it personal deception? I've prayed for the answer and so far it seems perfectly ok to me to not cry. Yes, grieve...but not necessarily cry.
These are just my thoughts though, and I am a flawed man.
I was reading my twitter feed...
...and I came across a tweet from Ligonier ministries. The tweet linked to a blog post which was written by R.C. Sproul, Jr. and was discussing whether Christians should use facebook or not. So, being a Christian who does use facebook, I was naturally curious.
Mr. Sproul layed out some very good points as to how we should check our facebook use, but some of the points seemed to be a bit farfetched. Such as making sure that you understand that facebook is not real and that you do not really have "200 friends."
That, to me, was kind of a duh statement.
Then he was discussing our jealousy over other facebook users...fame, for a lack of a better word. He asks if we are jealous if other users get more "likes" and comments then we do.
To respond to this question I have to ask if there is anybody out there like that?
And if so do they claim to be Christian?
I am sorry but if your selfishness, and jealousy has risen to a level that when you get on a virtual site with people you have possibly never met and are jealous of these people because they are receiving more virtual actions (that in the end mean absolutely nothing) than you are....something is horribly wrong. And you definitely shouldn't be on facebook, you should be reading a Bible.
I actually found the absurdity humorous until I realized that there probably really is a bunch of people who are that way...then I just found the concept sad.
But that is my two cents worth. The post had other points that actually could apply to me that I have already been keeping myself in check about, and it also had some other absurd notions that are probably all too real. But this is all I will discuss for now.
Mr. Sproul layed out some very good points as to how we should check our facebook use, but some of the points seemed to be a bit farfetched. Such as making sure that you understand that facebook is not real and that you do not really have "200 friends."
That, to me, was kind of a duh statement.
Then he was discussing our jealousy over other facebook users...fame, for a lack of a better word. He asks if we are jealous if other users get more "likes" and comments then we do.
To respond to this question I have to ask if there is anybody out there like that?
And if so do they claim to be Christian?
I am sorry but if your selfishness, and jealousy has risen to a level that when you get on a virtual site with people you have possibly never met and are jealous of these people because they are receiving more virtual actions (that in the end mean absolutely nothing) than you are....something is horribly wrong. And you definitely shouldn't be on facebook, you should be reading a Bible.
I actually found the absurdity humorous until I realized that there probably really is a bunch of people who are that way...then I just found the concept sad.
But that is my two cents worth. The post had other points that actually could apply to me that I have already been keeping myself in check about, and it also had some other absurd notions that are probably all too real. But this is all I will discuss for now.
Why I Want To Get Away
So...do many kids actually go off to college to "further their education"? Or is that all one big ruse? Because I personally do not plan to attend college just so I can further my education.
That is actually a very small thought in my mind at this point in time.
Now don't get me wrong, it is not like I am going to skip my classes or not do my best in them, but learning is just not my main motivation to go to college. My main motivation to go to college would have to be just moving out.
Getting away.
Leaving.
Etc.
However, if I just say to the people around me, "Hey I know you all love me and want me around here to be your son/brother/grandson/friend/(any other) but I am just going to leave." Then I will just come across as a selfish and heartless jerk.
So please allow me to attempt to explain why I want to get away.
Now if you expect me to be all Disneyesque here and think I will say something like, "I really don't want to leave, my life is so perfect but I never realized it until now. I am going to return home and live with my wonderful family forever!!!" then you have no idea who I am.
Allow me to be blunt about it.
I was raised in a broken home by broken people. However, when people are broken they refuse to admit they are broken if they hold a secular view of life as all three of my parents did. Therefore, if anything reflected their brokenness, then they would automatically see it as a threat to the "perfect world" which they had created in their heads, and would move very swiftly to fix this broken piece.
But if you are broken you can't fix anything. It just ends up being swept under the rug.
Now, the child reflects the parent, and the parents were broken and in denial. So the child unknowingly and unashamedly displayed that brokenness to the world. This led to the performing of many unnecessary actions against said child so that the parents coud sweep their failure under the rug.
Because, you know, it was all about them.
I was, and still am, that child...well one of two children in that scenario.
So with that being said, I found the Disney mentality repulsive and false from very early on in my life, and happiness was something I faked. Because if you look happy no one will know that your family is broken and everyone will think that your parents are "such great people."
Because, you know, it was all about them.
So lets just say I am tired of faking. I am tired of wishing that I could just be bold enough to not pretend that everything is great all of the time. I don't want things to be about me by any means...I want them to be about God and His kingdom, but I can't be a lighthouse if I am swept under a rug.
I want to get away, not to break people's hearts, not to pretend that things will be easier and better on my own, and not so I can be happy. I want to get away so I can stop this charade and drop this facade and finally be able to scream that everything is not alright! That the world is broken and so is everybody in it. That brokenness is a proper response to sin. And that sweeping it under the rug is the equivalent of pretending you are perfect, which is pride, which is what got satan kicked out of heaven,
No everything is not alright, and the sooner we learn that the sooner we see our depravity and the sweeter Jesus is to us.
I know I should be doing that now regardless of my situation in life, and I know that I will be persecuted wherever I go, and I am not afraid of that.
I am not afraid of my parents.
But it seems, to me, that they need to hear these yells first, and most often. And they can't sweep me under the rug if I am not there.
That is why I want to get away...because I love them.
That is actually a very small thought in my mind at this point in time.
Now don't get me wrong, it is not like I am going to skip my classes or not do my best in them, but learning is just not my main motivation to go to college. My main motivation to go to college would have to be just moving out.
Getting away.
Leaving.
Etc.
However, if I just say to the people around me, "Hey I know you all love me and want me around here to be your son/brother/grandson/friend/(any other) but I am just going to leave." Then I will just come across as a selfish and heartless jerk.
So please allow me to attempt to explain why I want to get away.
Now if you expect me to be all Disneyesque here and think I will say something like, "I really don't want to leave, my life is so perfect but I never realized it until now. I am going to return home and live with my wonderful family forever!!!" then you have no idea who I am.
Allow me to be blunt about it.
I was raised in a broken home by broken people. However, when people are broken they refuse to admit they are broken if they hold a secular view of life as all three of my parents did. Therefore, if anything reflected their brokenness, then they would automatically see it as a threat to the "perfect world" which they had created in their heads, and would move very swiftly to fix this broken piece.
But if you are broken you can't fix anything. It just ends up being swept under the rug.
Now, the child reflects the parent, and the parents were broken and in denial. So the child unknowingly and unashamedly displayed that brokenness to the world. This led to the performing of many unnecessary actions against said child so that the parents coud sweep their failure under the rug.
Because, you know, it was all about them.
I was, and still am, that child...well one of two children in that scenario.
So with that being said, I found the Disney mentality repulsive and false from very early on in my life, and happiness was something I faked. Because if you look happy no one will know that your family is broken and everyone will think that your parents are "such great people."
Because, you know, it was all about them.
So lets just say I am tired of faking. I am tired of wishing that I could just be bold enough to not pretend that everything is great all of the time. I don't want things to be about me by any means...I want them to be about God and His kingdom, but I can't be a lighthouse if I am swept under a rug.
I want to get away, not to break people's hearts, not to pretend that things will be easier and better on my own, and not so I can be happy. I want to get away so I can stop this charade and drop this facade and finally be able to scream that everything is not alright! That the world is broken and so is everybody in it. That brokenness is a proper response to sin. And that sweeping it under the rug is the equivalent of pretending you are perfect, which is pride, which is what got satan kicked out of heaven,
No everything is not alright, and the sooner we learn that the sooner we see our depravity and the sweeter Jesus is to us.
I know I should be doing that now regardless of my situation in life, and I know that I will be persecuted wherever I go, and I am not afraid of that.
I am not afraid of my parents.
But it seems, to me, that they need to hear these yells first, and most often. And they can't sweep me under the rug if I am not there.
That is why I want to get away...because I love them.
Not that I have any readers left...
...but I am actually going to try to take a crack at this blogging thing yet again. I am starting to learn that blog posts don't have to be long or extremely interesting, but rather they can be somewhat short and mildly interesting and people will read them. I am also learning they don't all have to possess some deep thought. Plus the blog does not have to have a constant theme. With all of this being said, if I can keep up this blog, then it will possibly be quite a random blog.
But its mine so I can do what I want to with it.
Until next time, if there is one, I am out.
But its mine so I can do what I want to with it.
Until next time, if there is one, I am out.