I have a friend who accidently shot himself.
"The most painful thing that I ever experienced." he said.
I accidently stabbed myself opening a paintball gun with a pocket knife once.
"Scariest thing that will ever happen to me." I said.
How wrong I was.
How wrong my friend is.
The scariest and by far the most painful feeling on earth is loneliness.
Why do I say this now?
Why do I feel so lonely?
It might have something to do with the fact that I'm the only one awake in this household at the moment.
I would love to believe that that was it. That that simple thing is the whole reason I feel the way I do now.
Yet, although I know that its not, in a sense it is. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm sitting here alone I never would have thought about my loneliness.
Why do you think I even started this blog?
I wanted to fit in somwhere outside of my family.
I wanted to express myself, my true self, and be understood by someone outside of my family.
And it worked....well, a little bit at least.
But no longer.
The feeling has returned.
Why?
The answer is quite simple now that I think about it.
I no longer fit in.
My "friends" have clicks with people I'll never be, nor have any interest in becoming.
I am a thinking being and a logical one.
When some say, "This will be fun." I say, "This is a stupid idea."
When some say, "I look cool." I say, "Put your hat on the way its meant to be worn and wear a belt you stupid idiot."
Obviously I'm not "cool", nor do I care to be.
My friends weren't either at one point in time, but as the years went by that changed.
And so here I sit wondering if there is anyone around my age who cares to listen, who isn't and doesn't want to be "cool", who strives to be the best person they can be at all times, and doesn't
care what others think about them.
If I were to meet such a person then I'm sure the loneliness will go away, but considering the attitude of the people of my generation thats never going to happen.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I know they love me, and no I don't feel lonely around them. But they're not always around and at those points in time they really can't help.
Sorry for boring you with my problems and thanks for reading. I promise another lighter story of my life is coming...eventually.
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Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches,but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.” - Jeremiah 9:23-24
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12 comments:
Hugs, kiddo.
PS - you weren't the only one awake. I was just reading. It is after 1am you know....;)
And I don't know too many teenagers of any generation that don't feel the same way to one degree or another. What I'm most proud of in you is the fact that even at your age you know who you are, and you are who you are. That's rare at any age.
I'll send my nephew your way. He's a little older than you if I remember correctly (he's 19), but he fills a lot of what you mentioned. In the meantime, if it means anything that you've impressed a forty-ish woman other than your mother on more than one occasion, well, there it is. Be well.
I've been a lurker for a little while. I enjoy your blog.
I'm sorry you're so lonely. You're right, it's the worst feeling in the world. I wish I had the answer for you, but I don't. But it's admirable that you strive to be the best person you can, without regard to what is "cool". Most of what's cool these days seems to be pretty destructive. I hope you find an awesome friend, who helps you feel better.
Hey kiddo,
I don't know if it will help but let me tell you a little story.
When my son was your age he had the same problem. In his case he tried to do the fitting in thing but it never really worked. He did the baggy clothes, the partying, everything! He wasn't happy and I was spending many nights in tears worrying over what I could do to help him see what he was doing to himself. He moved out of the house at 17 and things just got worse.
I don't know what the trigger was but eventually (it took 2 years) he decided that what other people thought of him just wasn't as important as he had thought. He came back to being the son that I had missed so much. He found a job that he liked and in 6 months became a foreman. He was working with people that were older than him (although a few of them were only a couple years older) and he seemed to relate to them better than the people his own age.
To make a long story short, he decided to stick to who and what he was and was SO much happier with himself and the world around him. He is now married with two beautiful boys that are the light of his life.
I wish I had the gift of words like Farmgirl but I don't. I know I ramble and at times don't make my point clear but I hope my story helps just a little.
Just stay true to who you are and things will work out for the best.
And just a note on the kids that My son was hanging with...... they are either in trouble with the law or back living with mom and dad because they can't make a living on their own.
Steve and one other are the only ones out of that entire bunch that are doing well and being happy.
hey heath,
dont feel bad.i always feel lonely.i mean my mom wants nothing to do with me.my sister got sent off to missouri to live with my aunt and uncle all because my mom chose a guy who beat my sister and i over us.(that happend this pat summer)it hurts, but im trying to deal with it.lately ive felt like everythings been going crazy.i havent heard from any of my family in a long time.i keep woundering if gods still here with me bc i feel lonely.but he's here.amd whenever u feel lonely just talk to God.he's always here.And another thing dont ever be ashamed of who u are.who cares about popularity.be u.never be someone ur not.God made you the way u are and if some1 doesnt like it they can take it up with God himself.love ya,christina
Oddly enough, the one place you'ld probably "fit like a glove" (and Babs is probably gonna KILL me for this) is the biker community...
The essence of "biker" is "I go my own way, and don't care what others think". Which, to me, is the best way to be.
I spent many years of my life trying to "fit" with people. Took forever to get beyond that, accept myself, and BE myself.
Don't worry: you'll find folks that let you be yourself (you're fairly devout: did you know that there are many Christian motorcycle associations out there?). You may be lonely now, but you'll find those people, and be glad that you didn't compromise who you are to "fit" with them.
Don't EVER give up who you are!
I feel for you buddy and I know exactly where you are coming from. I've been the same way my whole life and it ain't easy.
I never wanted to be cool or fit in or any of that other horse puckey either. I just wanted to be myself and be accepted for who I am.
Don't fret and don't give up. You'll do fine. Dare to be yourself is what I have always said and lived by. Times will come when you find a kindred soul.
Just do the best you can with the rest of the world that only cares about being cool. Don't let them persuade you to do things you don't feel you want to do.
Wish I could be there to help another soul that is like me but alas, I'm old enough to be your Papaw.
From what I could tell about your mom before she stopped blogging, you come from good stock. Stay true to yourself and things will always work out.
Good luck and have a nice night,
Joe
I kind of just stumbled upon your blog by accident, but your post really touched me, as did the note at the top that says you're a Christian. Being a fellow Jesus-lover, and being in high school, I can honestly say that I've begun to feel the same way over the past couple of months. Things that used to hold my interest don't really do that anymore, and I often feel more awkward than I have since elementary school.
But God says that we're not always going to fit in, because we ARE different. I take a lot of solace in that, and instead of thinking negatively about this, maybe you can start seeing it as the fact that you're growing closer to Him, and that is what makes you different.
Whether that's true or not, loneliness is a horrible feeling. I hope you keep your chin up and know that it can only get better.
Hey, Sorry I'm just finding this, but I wanted to comment, because I'm your age (maybe a little older at 19, and I feel the same way as you most of the time. I'm not 'cool', I'm not trendy or what most would consider a typical teenager. Well, I just wanted to let you that there are others out there in this crazy world that feel the same way as you do. Come read my blog, and maybe it'll give you a glympse(sp?) in to another person's life!
I know where you are coming from. I've been there.
I am older than you (22) but I have felt the exact same way you are describing ever since I can remember.
When I was your age (I can't believe I just said that) It really bothered me that I didn't fit in. Then it finally clicked that God wants us to be different. Too many people spend their lives pretending to be something they're not so they will fit in. God didn't put us here to fit in. He put us here to make a difference.
I used to think I wanted to fit in. But standing back and watching all the cliques and the behavior of people who should know better I realized that I really don't want be associated with that.
I get crap from people at work because I won't go out and drink/party with them. It's not my thing. I am constantly saying no. I think going through the same stuff you are going through now is what helped me develop the courage to say no to an entire group of people and to not give in to the peer pressure.
I agree with your mom "you know who you are, and you are who you are"
It's a great feeling to have when you realize how many people have no idea.
I'll be praying for you.
Stay strong.
Wow, I just happened to stumble across your page & you're not the only person you feels that way, which you've probably discovered with all the comments you've gotten. But I've been feeling lonely lately to, I think everybody will go through it as they mature and change. I know that probably just sounds like a bunch of babling, but I'm a new blogger so I don't know if there is some sort of special lingo to use when leaving a comment.
I know how that goes.
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